How much eye contact is just right?

By Terry Ward, CNN

(CNN) — “Look at me when I’m talking to you.”

It’s a request I heard from my mother throughout much of my childhood, and even into my adult life. Somehow, what has always felt like the right amount of eye contact from my end has often been less than for her.

So many of us have been told to look someone in the eye when speaking. But how much eye contact is the appropriate amount when talking or listening to another person?

There’s no rule, but almost always “people look more while listening than when speaking, although looking is hardly ever just a steady stare,” said Judith Hall, social psychologist and University Distinguished Professor of Psychology, Emerita at Northeastern University in Boston, in an email.

That’s because our eyes are constantly moving around in many small ways when talking or listening. And while people generally have a good sense of when eye contact feels like too much or too little as it’s happening, Hall said quantifying the right amount is not possible.

There are, however, some subtleties to consider.

More than a social courtesy

It can feel offensive when you’re having a conversation with someone who is averting their gaze. But making eye contact during conversation has functions that go beyond being polite.

“Eye contact isn’t just a social courtesy; it’s actually a brain-stimulating interaction, and it’s really fundamental to human connection,” said Melissa J. Perry, dean of the College of Public Health at George Mason University in Fairfax, Virginia.

As social beings, humans glean information from others by looking, observing and listening, Perry said. She noted that our brains are “optimized” for seeking out sensory input from others through eye contact and other nonverbal cues, including facial expressions and posture.

“Neurobiologically, the brain is responding to the authenticity and empathy and credibility of the person before the mind is forming an opinion about what they’re saying,” Perry added.

Eye contact also has neurochemical effects within the body, including the release of oxytocin, the neuropeptide that plays a crucial role in social bonding, said Paula Niedenthal, a professor of psychology at the University of Wisconsin-Madison whose research examines neural, cognitive, social and cultural/societal influences on facial mimicry and eye gaze.

“The initial function of eye contact is to create a social bond with somebody and to generate activation in the reward systems of the brain and the production of oxytocin to make sure that everybody’s gotten involved in this dance and is going to stay there,” Niedenthal added.

In addition to interacting with the brain’s reward system, eye contact is also important for gathering information.

We learn about people’s moods, behavior and many other things by watching them, Hall noted, whether that’s through direct interactions with people or while watching them without their knowledge.

Making eye contact with someone when they’re talking to you doesn’t have to mean staring right into their eyes, she said. Even people who don’t have difficulty hearing tend to lip-read some during conversation, Hall said, in case you’ve noticed yourself watching someone’s mouth as they talk.

More staring isn’t better

When it comes to communicating, more eye contact isn’t always better, Perry cautioned.

“Healthy communication depends on natural intermittent eye contact,” she said. “Too little can suggest uncertainty or disengagement, while too much can feel intimidating or confrontational.”

Averting a gaze during communication can also imply a distance and aloofness, she said, or even a sense of secrecy.

People who consider themselves to be in a dominant position compared with the person they’re talking with have somewhat altered ratios when it comes to how much they make eye contact while speaking and listening, Hall said.

“Their ratio of looking while speaking goes up and their ratio of looking while listening goes down,” she said.

There are also differences between men and women. Women are “well established to gaze at others in conversation more than men do,” said Hall, with the highest levels of gaze during communication occurring in pairs of females, and the lowest among pairs of males.

Cultural differences can also come into play when it comes to what’s considered an acceptable amount of eye contact.

“There is a lot of cultural universality although specific cultures can have their own norms,” Hall said. Ethnic groups can vary when it comes to certain situations involving eye contact, too, such as whether sustained eye contact with a superior while talking is considered paying attention or taken as a lack of deference, she said.

Niedenthal said there’s a “continuum” when it comes to the extent to which eye contact can feel too arousing to different people — another reason there’s no hard and fast rule when it comes to how much eye contact is appropriate in social settings.

People with some neurodevelopmental conditions, such as autism, typically avoid eye contact, Niedenthal said.

“The claim is that for those with autism, the high arousal is aversive. Avoidance is thus an adaptive emotion regulation strategy,” she said, noting that it isn’t the only reason why autism is associated with eye contact avoidance.

If you’re not comfortable with how much someone is looking at you or vice versa, what do you do?

Just being aware of the power of eye contact and other nonverbal forms of communication is a step in the right direction, Perry said.

“It’s far more powerful and impactful than any of us recognize,” she said.

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